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When the water has run dry, sit and watch for the rising clouds.

When I Look Back...

Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I was raised in a... I don't know whether my family is perfect or not but I think every family has their own issues, right?

When I looked back at what I've been through for the last 21 years, I never really actually have a lot of good memories to be cherished forever... I've been through hard situations when I was in boarding school where I tried my best to fit in but all I can see back then they - my so-called friends, can't fit with me... All the things I did were wrong and all their thoughts and opinions were right... I had never given a chance to speak for myself, and all they did was pointing out all my mistakes... None of them was trying to help me, guide me, lead me, to be someone better... I was pushed to the corner, I was desperate for a friend... I tried to scream but I felt like I had no voice... So I keep on making mistakes... Hurt people around me that I actually cared so much about them...

After some time, I decided to leave them... and I did. It felt really good...

When I started to make new friends at the new school, I did experienced a lot of new things. Got to know a lot of type of people. But then, again there were a lot of people who didn't like me, why? Just because I took the first place in class? In the whole school?

I tried to ignore all those bad things were said about me, I tried to keep on focus on my studies, but after awhile, I kept on failing... Not really fail those subjects but my grades were getting worst... I don't understand why. After I make some friends, my grades were falling, and the only reason I can guess was I can't keep things on balance. Therefore, after trying to manage some time to balance between fun and studies, I rise up again to be a good student. Well, not to talk big about myself, it's true.

When I got to higher secondary level, I changed to Science stream. I felt like stranger as I got a lot of new classmates and among them was Ogy. She was the nicest person I ever known on earth. She was really cheerful, bright, and the most I like about her was her smile.

Without realizing it, me and Ogy became closer. Well, as we're in the same class, we were practically did almost everything together. Like walking towards the laboratories, going to school cafeteria, and lots of other things. Both of us were having our own circle of friends outside of the class. I was with my classmates from lower secondary who most of them in Religion stream and she was with her classmates also from lower secondary who most of them in Lukisan Teknik - don't know what to call in English, sorry but then we were very comfortable with that. It's like having your own spaces.

Along with us were Hidayah and Janah. So the four of us were also so close back then... At the end of my fourth year in secondary school, it was the second time I felt betrayed by a friend of mine. The first one I was okay with it as things ended in a good way but the the second time was the worst in my life so far. 100% guaranteed.

If you trust someone, you definitely just open up with him, right? You will let yourself expose to him inside and outside, right? Most importantly, you will tell them secrets, right? But in my case, it was her. I was betrayed by her. Though I admit even until now I'm not really that clear with what had happened that time, but what I'm so sure even from the moment I realize that she must be part of the whole thing. Even until now, I still believe it's true. Not only she was taking part in planning the whole thing with someone who I thought an angel was sent from above, she was there watching the plan progressing until the thing just hit me right to my face.

I don't understand. If you are human, I would say that you must have some sort of dignity, pride, honesty, and most importantly, you should realize where your heart is. But for her, I don't even know what was she thinking that time. Is it because she wanted me to go down on my kneel and say she is the queen of the world or is it because she just can't accept me as another human being who have feeling and should I say just like her?

In a nutshell, though it's been more than 4 years already... I don't think I can just act like nothing had happened between us before. Though she can show her face in front of me and act like she didn't do anything wrong, I still can't offer a warm welcome just like what I did back then. I forgive her, yes... a long time a go but I just can't forget. Not like that.

Time goes by and now I'm studying in a nice place and living with nice people. As for me and Ogy, we are still friends though we are studying in a very different place and different courses. I guess we can live with that. Same goes with Hidayah though I don't know what happened with Janah... Still, I always pray that she's gonna be okay no matter what she's doing right now.

To all people out there, those who reading this post, I hope you guys can live with dignity and trust among you. As nowadays we can find corruptions everywhere. Together we remind each other not only if you see other people doing bad things but also a friendly reminder among us that we're not living alone on this Earth... We live together and together we become stronger and do remember that He's watching you... (sounds weird, huh? I'm not talking about aliens okay...)

Have a nice day, people!